Welcome to the 8th gift in Resiliency Workshop.
No. 8 Stop. Rest
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Ahhh, rest. Stop & rest.
This eighth gift in the Resiliency Workshop is about the power of respite... and restoration, which is the ground truth of resiliency.
Personally, I need this one most. On the occasion, I regress on this rule and fall back into my mental drama of feeling that I am behind. I use this rule to restore myself. I re-up with rest (and, maybe, a cup of coffee or tea...) to remember the divinely ordered Universe of Love.
For me, some of it may be that I need to listen to my inner child... who wants a Play Daily... and she wants it right now. Yes, and when I am sage enough to listen to her I recognize her playful wisdom: a short recess is life affirming (and effective.) Other times it's a full stop, which makes progress by restoring ourselves. It takes bravery to pause.
Be brave. Be disciplined: take a nap.
See if it doesn't put you ahead of your game. That's the way it works for me. What about you?
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Video: What you can expect |
Personally, I love naps.
I have come to understand that I NEED them. The work I do, (the work of living that we we all do...) is taxing to our emotions. It first shows up as physical exhaustion, but it's a lot more than that. It's the body saying, "Hey, I can't do this all on my own, I need you to pay attention. HELP me." |
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Trust me here. You don't want to give your sweet body reasons to escalate its red flags in order to GET your attention. It's called dis-ease.
Choose ease, instead. Take a power nap. Claim easier.
It's possible, you find yourself in a place where you are so full of anxiety and worry that you are unable to sleep. It's okay. Lay down anyway. Take off your cape.
1. Put your head down in a safe & comfortable place, cover and close your eyes,
2. Set the timer. Turn on the white noise (or Green Noise, which is the resonance of nature) and do NOTHING for 20 minutes.
3. Listen to silence, or ocean waves, or a sound meditation. (Search for youTube@shelter-in-grace).
A nap might just rock your world (back to the center of your lovely enoughness), as it (daily) does mine.
Are you with me? (You can have milk and cookies afterwards...)
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Stop. Rest. Intro
his micro-video will walk you through. |
Naptime is productive, too... |
Are you feeling a little guilty about your daily, mid-afternoon snooze? Don’t. Research shows that catching a few ZZZs after lunch can be good for your brain.
But keep in mind that the length of your nap matters.
While a 30 to 90 minute nap in older adults appears to have brain benefits, anything longer than an hour and a half may create problems with cognition, the ability to think and form memories, according to the study published in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society.
- John Hopkins University, Can a Nap Boost Brain Health?
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Listen to the Audio of the chapter...
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Gift No. 8 - Stop. Rest
Take off your cape. Decisions will be made but not right now.
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Process: Do you Nap?
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Make time to nap this week. Really.
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Take an Afternoon Cat Nap |
Stop. Rest. Process
his micro-video will walk you through. |
But, I don't have time! Take time to 'touch down'...
A short nap gives huge efficiency benefits to your day. You CAN take the time, because its restorative and makes you sharper. But it is not just increased productivity, it is about well-being. When you are caregiving, you are path-finding is for two.
Listening to myself is necessary to know the next move— the next right step.
A Sustaining Circle of Care...
That circle starts here... with you. What I am circling is that YOU matter: your perceptions, your health and, especially, your clarity.
Will power only goes so far. It might be that with a little rest & perspective, you find higher ground and an entirely different source of power... spiritual fuel.
I am reminded of the Richard Rohr quote in Gift No. 1, Wait Here, about a higher octane of fuel, which can be found only when we run out of our own. Review the ground truth of this gift because it is a circle. It is a sustaining circle of care... for yourself and for others.
Will power only goes so far. It might be that with a little rest & perspective, you find higher ground and an entirely different source of power... spiritual fuel.
I am reminded of the Richard Rohr quote in Gift No. 1, Wait Here, about a higher octane of fuel, which can be found only when we run out of our own. Review the ground truth of this gift because it is a circle. It is a sustaining circle of care... for yourself and for others.
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Questions to write about... because your experience matters.
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1. How often this past week have you truly stopped?
What was it like? If you didn't, what would it look like if you did?
2. Can you give yourself permission to take off your (superpower) cape for a time? |
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To give up the pretense that you know the best thing to do… all the time? Or that you can or even should do it all on your own ?
3. What does your cape look like? Who are you without it? Is it armor, a fashion accessory or some inner story of fear?
4. What are the obstacles in the way of a good night’s sleep for you?
5. What decisions can you put off, right now, to give yourself a bit of spaciousness?
3. What does your cape look like? Who are you without it? Is it armor, a fashion accessory or some inner story of fear?
4. What are the obstacles in the way of a good night’s sleep for you?
5. What decisions can you put off, right now, to give yourself a bit of spaciousness?
What if you can't nap?
Might you Be Willing... to lay down & "Do" yoga
If you find yourself in a place of TOO Much anxiety to nap. Try a few minutes of Restorative YOGA... and simply Be Willing to nap and perhaps you will.
Give yourself credit for beginning a more compassionate way forward.
Lie on your back in any of the three poses below. Completely relax from head to toe. Breathe slowly and evenly. Keep your hands open, palms up. Pay attention to how your body feels. Keep focusing on your breath and allow your thoughts to be like leaves floating on a running stream. Watch them to come & then flow away. Return to your easy breath.
• Lying Butterfly Pose: allow your knees to drop out to the sides while pressing the soles of
your feet together. Support your knees with pillows.
• Or Corpse Pose. keep your arms and legs straight. Allow your ankles to roll open.
• Or Straight Legs Up the Wall or have knees bent where you elevate your hips with a pillow.
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Stop. Rest. - GIFT No. 8
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Being willing is usually enough.
Especially if it is a nap that is required before more Herculean tasks must be performed. Grief is one of those impossibly mythic tasks that humans (eventually) accomplish. In caregiving, grief arrives long before the actual end of life. We anticipate it in a million moments, which looks like worry. It takes a toll on us.
WHEN DEATH FINALLY CAUGHT UP TO ME, IT WAS ANTICLIMACTIC and dreamy. In spite of all my efforts and denial of the loss, (‘Hey, I already felt that...’) feelings that still needed to be felt persisted. It seemed to be their mission to do so, and then move on—but only after they have been felt--to ripeness. (Incrementally works... the sweet small efforts add up.) The important thing is to be kind to yourself. |
WHAT WOULD IT LOOK LIKE IF THE WORLD WANTED YOU HERE?
A few months after my mother passed, I was confronted with the need to caregive myself. Fortunately, my hospice had bereavement counseling available. A few sessions in, I told my new counselor that I was tired and felt deeply overcommitted to caring for others (i.e. the new guy, my old cat, and the people in my life who always needed something). I even included him—my counselor. I had clearly demonstrated my distress with him by the indecision of not leaving my house until our appointment time. It was perhaps our third meeting; I phoned him from my car and started our session on my cell—while driving across the Bay Bridge and into San Francisco to his office, where we finished in person.
HE INJECTED THESE WORDS DIRECTLY INTO MY EARBUDS ON THE drive over, “You are expecting your life to automatically change to what you want overnight. Be gentle. Rest. You put your life on hold for eleven years. Give your new life time to unfold.”
IT WAS A LITTLE ALARMING HOW WELL HE LISTENED. HE WAS RIGHT. I was not physically tired, as I had just told him. It wasn’t that I did not want to see him; it was that I did not want to examine my progress or lack of it (on said new life). I also disagreed with him that I had put my life on hold for eleven years. I am a smart woman, why would I do that? If I did, it was not my mother’s fault. It was my own fault—if I could not multi-task my life and my mother’s life too. But, wait, what am I saying? That makes no sense. I ignored the blur of conflicting drive-by thoughts and reported to the counselor...
”I DID NOT MAKE MY CASH FLOW GOALS FOR THIS MONTH IN MY business but I feel like I am making progress. I am not quitting. I am like Edison—I have figured out so many ways that it will not work that I am close to the way it will work.” I paused mid-report.
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A few months after my mother passed, I was confronted with the need to caregive myself. Fortunately, my hospice had bereavement counseling available. A few sessions in, I told my new counselor that I was tired and felt deeply overcommitted to caring for others (i.e. the new guy, my old cat, and the people in my life who always needed something). I even included him—my counselor. I had clearly demonstrated my distress with him by the indecision of not leaving my house until our appointment time. It was perhaps our third meeting; I phoned him from my car and started our session on my cell—while driving across the Bay Bridge and into San Francisco to his office, where we finished in person.
HE INJECTED THESE WORDS DIRECTLY INTO MY EARBUDS ON THE drive over, “You are expecting your life to automatically change to what you want overnight. Be gentle. Rest. You put your life on hold for eleven years. Give your new life time to unfold.”
IT WAS A LITTLE ALARMING HOW WELL HE LISTENED. HE WAS RIGHT. I was not physically tired, as I had just told him. It wasn’t that I did not want to see him; it was that I did not want to examine my progress or lack of it (on said new life). I also disagreed with him that I had put my life on hold for eleven years. I am a smart woman, why would I do that? If I did, it was not my mother’s fault. It was my own fault—if I could not multi-task my life and my mother’s life too. But, wait, what am I saying? That makes no sense. I ignored the blur of conflicting drive-by thoughts and reported to the counselor...
”I DID NOT MAKE MY CASH FLOW GOALS FOR THIS MONTH IN MY business but I feel like I am making progress. I am not quitting. I am like Edison—I have figured out so many ways that it will not work that I am close to the way it will work.” I paused mid-report.
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I THOUGHT, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...ALL I HEARD FROM MY OWN MOUTH was shaming: not enough, not enough, not enough. I stopped talking. This voice—on the phone—my voice, so bores me. Why is she still here? I want to slap her—but that would be me, slapping me... not useful.
SILENCE. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HIM.
MORE SILENCE.
My grief counselor spoke through my earbuds into the empty
air space: “What would it look like if the world wanted you here?”
MORE SILENCE.
THE QUESTION WAS LIKE A STUN GUN. HE’S RIGHT... I HAD NO IDEA... I teared up. I took a wrong corner; I drove eight blocks in the opposite direction before I got turned around. I was thinking silently of this question, while he waited silently on the other end of the cell for an answer.
BESIEGED IN CAREGIVING FOR SO LONG, I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT world would look like— the one that wanted me here.
SILENCE. I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HIM.
MORE SILENCE.
My grief counselor spoke through my earbuds into the empty
air space: “What would it look like if the world wanted you here?”
MORE SILENCE.
THE QUESTION WAS LIKE A STUN GUN. HE’S RIGHT... I HAD NO IDEA... I teared up. I took a wrong corner; I drove eight blocks in the opposite direction before I got turned around. I was thinking silently of this question, while he waited silently on the other end of the cell for an answer.
BESIEGED IN CAREGIVING FOR SO LONG, I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THAT world would look like— the one that wanted me here.
Stop. Rest.
Begin Again as well as the Field Guide. Available for purchase from Amazon, Apple and IngramSpark.
TAKE OFF YOUR CAPE.
This rule’s gentleness hides great power: stop and rest. Caregiving straddles worlds; it is super hero territory. Take off your cape...and take a nap. When it all gets to be too much, I know now, giving myself time to rest is grounding and profoundly compassionate. Listening to myself is necessary to know the next move—the next right step.
IT’S ONE OF THE FIRST QUESTIONS I ASK OF CAREGIVERS IN HOSPICE to assess just how stressed out they are. Even one night’s loss of sleep can affect your decisions harmfully—not to mention your immune system.
DECISIONS WILL BE MADE--BUT NOT RIGHT NOW. WE ARE ALL carrying a kindness deficit. I am born of the bootstrapped people of the prairie; most of us are sleep-deprived by our ambitions— both thwarted and realized.
LOSS OF A LOVED ONE FROM DEMENTIA IS A SLOW, GRADUAL DRIP. Though unnamed, I felt the leaching for years long before I became conscious of it. Yet, these incremental losses can reach a tipping point quite suddenly.
TAKE GENEROUS CARE ‘WITH’ YOURSELF. NOTE, I DID NOT SAY ‘OF’ yourself (but manicures, hot baths, and Italian underwear are good too). Take generous care with yourself, my friends. Rest until you are stronger.
GRIEF FROM LOSS IS NOT PURGATORY.
It’s a womb gestating my inner baritone—the resonating voice of my new life whispering into my earbuds.
A Winter's Rest
Light Lessons from the Sacred Dark
A 15 minute Sound Meditation for a More Resilient Life
Feast in the Pause
Breath is a Superpower
A 15 minute Sound Meditation for a More Resilient Life
Reach out at [email protected]
Sustainable Caregiving in sweet small steps...and two books:
"I read it all night. It was funny and useful." - A.W.
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TWO BOOKs AND AUDIBLE Recordings:
BEGIN AGAIN has the first 8 gifts... The Field Guide has ALL the gifts...
Both are about caregiving as a circle of care & that includes you.
© COPYRIGHT 2017-2023 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
PRIVACY POLICY
BEGIN AGAIN has the first 8 gifts... The Field Guide has ALL the gifts...
Both are about caregiving as a circle of care & that includes you.
© COPYRIGHT 2017-2023 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
PRIVACY POLICY